Communication Challenges: Tips, strategies, & chat about conflict, anger, and life.

THE UNEXPECTED STORM: Coping with that out-of-nowhere flash of anger.

2012-02-01T00:24:00.000-08:00

Itappears like a shot out of nowhere. That sudden angry outburst arising from aseemingly cheery, pleasant conversation. “There you go again!” or “I knew it!You just couldn’t keep your mouth shut!” Or – some other expression of long-held,and possibly long-hidden anger. Seemingly so sudden and unpredictable, thetarget of all that anger is left wondering just what happened, what went wrong.And, why didn’t I see this coming?

Manyof us have been on the receiving end of such an angry explosion. If you’reanything like me, it really doesn’t matter how much training you have in angermanagement, how good you feel about yourself, how clear you’ve always been thatyou can handle someone else’s anger.

Whenwe don’t see it coming, that flash of anger directed at us can feeloverwhelming. And it can take every ounce of self-control not to respond inkind. To remember that we really don’t need to respond immediately.

Thatfight or flight impulse might kick in, but we can choose to do neither. A deepbreath, a physical step back, and a moment of silence……. That may be all ittakes to defuse the moment.

At a later time, when all is calm, then take the opportunity to find out what happened, ask a few questions, and to possibly address the deeper issues that provoked that flash storm of emotion.

Too tough to do alone? That's a great time to use your support systems to help you think things through. A good friend, a close sibling, a parent - anyone you can count on to understand and cheer you on.

If your support systems aren't enough, you might consider getting some professional help to get you past the rough spots, help you understand what's hapening and to help you develop some strategies for coping with the challenges.

Karen Wulfson, MFT
310 475-1759

FOR MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: Mini-Tip #2 to help you get through those difficult moments!

2012-01-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

A thought to consider when you're feeling challenged by a conversation that's going downhill fast:

Much of the time, the other person’s response isn’t really about you – it just feels as though it is.

IN A TRAFFIC JAM AND ANGRY? Does it work to honk and yell?

2012-01-21T22:24:00.001-08:00

I was in a hurry to get to a meeting. The drive that should have taken 5 minutes lasted 10 times as long. Detours were just as bad as the main route. My passenger was trying to have a conversation, but I was way too annoyed and stressed to be fully present.

People come to me for counseling, because they need help managing anger and stress. And here I was, forgetting all I knew - just ready to let those other drivers know what I was feeling! Sometimes, just like everyone else, my own feelings overcome reason - and my instinct is to just let loose!

At the moment when I was most annoyed - and when my almost-patient passenger was probably ready to kill me - I was distracted by a loud horn in the next lane. This other driver was obviously just furious - pounding the dashboard, saying things I was glad I couldn't hear, and blasting the horn - at traffic that couldn't have moved any faster at that moment.

Wow! That was exactly how I was feeling! But, of course, I wasn't ready to act out the way he was. How humiliating that would be........ and how useless!

That driver will never know the favor he did for me. His rage was a distraction, giving me a chance to realize that my anger really wouldn't make those cars disappear and reminding me to have a sense of humor. All I could think about, watching him, was a cartoon figure acting out frustration and anger.

As I took a deep, calming breath, my passenger started laughing, and I quickly joined in. Soon we were watching all those other rageful drivers with humor and empathy, rather than distress. And suddenly, there I was at my destination! Late, but not nearly as angry and stressed.

We all have choices. You could choose to remind yourself that humor, distraction, and changing the story you tell yourself can change your behavior - and your feelings.

Find something funny - then laugh about it - even if it's forced humor. And - miraculously, you might find yourself less angry!

Karen Wulfson, MFT
310 475-1759

FOR MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: Mini-Tip #1 to help you get through those difficult moments!

2012-01-15T23:51:00.001-08:00

Beforeoffering advice, ask if it’s really wanted!

Look for more mini-tips in weeks to come - suggested strategies for dealing with those challenging communication roadblocks.

Karen Wulfson, MFT
310 475-1759

NOTICING WHAT WORKS: What would happen if we made a conscious choice to view some disappointments through a different lens?

2012-01-14T00:38:00.000-08:00

My college major was special education. I loved learning about and working with kids who learned differently. Kids who didn't quite know how to do things "right." My friends and I were full of pride and passion about our ability to accept and love our students as they were. We cheered on the small steps and explained to all who would listen that slow progress and and a bit of oddness were to be embraced without put-downs and criticism - and with lots of patience.

One day my parents arrived at school to take me to lunch. My impatience with our rather slow and sort of inept waiter was clear. My parents heard my complaints for about as long as they could tolerate. Then my father asked a question I've thought about many times in the 40+ years since that day.

He said quietly, "I don't understand something. How is it you are so patient with your students and so impatient with this waiter?" My somewhat indignant response was along the lines of, "That's not fair! He's not my student. He's our waiter and is supposed to be speedier, do his job right!" And the arrogance of all-knowing young adulthood won the argument for the moment!

But, that conversation comes back to me often these days. I've been eating in restaurants fairly frequently lately. Some servers are excellent, others just do the basics to get the job done. Some get confused easily and mess up the order, while others provide extraordinary and efficient service. And a rare few seem to want to be fired!

It's human nature to notice and remember those people in our lives who mess up, the ones who make more mistakes, seem not to understand quickly, have shaky social skills. Those who do a good or great job often fade into the background. They don't disturb our world, so we tend to forget they exist - except when they aren't quite as perfect!

I wonder how different life could be if we could manage to change perspective. Note and try to remember the folks in our worlds who respond to us appropriately, who take care of our needs, who may not be perfect, but who are doing the best they can in the moment. And who really don't intend to do us harm. Pay attention to the waiter, friend, colleague who is ok most of the time. Know that we will all mess up from time to time, and we can choose how we react to those who do.

In my personal and professional experience, I've noticed that anger often tends to build when the focus is on what went wrong - no matter how small an issue. What could be different if you made the choice to attend to your anger later on - but for now, focus on and acknowledge the things you like about someone, the positives that have occurred, the small things that didn't go wrong?

Karen Wulfson, MFT
310 475-1759

IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU (OR ME!): Avoid the trap of assuming insult when there really is none intended!

2012-01-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that some folks just seem to breeze through those challenging moments that would make you just want to explode? Have you ever wondered how they manage to do that?

I suspect that these "Teflon people," who let so many things just slide off, have really just learned to view their world through a different lens. When I've asked colleagues or clients how they've managed to avoid conflict, avoid getting angry at a particularly irritating or insulting behavior, one or two responses stand out as most often stated.

The most frequent is some version of "pick your battles." In other words, these people have decided that some things just aren't worth arguing or getting upset about. So they've figured out responses that are non-combative and serve to calm or avoid a potentially difficult situation.

The second explanation I hear is a form of "I know it's not about me." We all know people who just "lose it" sometimes - when life is too stressful, when feelings are overwhelming, when whatever just happened feels like the last straw, and those feelings end up heaped on you - way out of proportion to the situation at hand.

What both of those explanations have in common is that the low-responder has decided not to get sucked into or trapped by another person's upset and anger. And, they've also been confident enough to understand that personal self-worth isn't defined by self-defense, when none is really needed!

Karen Wulfson, MFT
310 475-1759

IT'S NICE TO KNOW OTHERS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT YOU! But, too much concern might make you want to fight or flee!

2012-01-07T00:24:00.000-08:00

Someone in your life is concerned about your well-being. For the umpteenth time, that person has inquired about your well-being. At this point, what you'd really like to do is just say "STOP!" And you might just start feeling like a rebellious kid again - complete with eye roll and angry response! "I'm fine!" "Leave me alone!" "Get off my back!" The angrier you get, the more creative your response might be.

Probably all of these are very understandable responses to someone who just can't take a hint. And they'd be fantastic responses - if they actually worked. But, most likely, nothing changes and you just get more annoyed and angry. And the cycle keeps on being repeated. As do your stress, frustration, and anger.

I've developed a 5-step response template that actually works - most of the time. Well.... it can work if you can actually calm down enough to use it. And you'll be able to do that, if you practice first.

Try this (after taking a few deep, relaxing breaths):

1) Make a wondering statement that is really a question:
I'm wondering why you're so worried/concerned about this...... (said with real concern).

2) Validate concerns:
I do understand that you are worried/concerned about me ........ (tone of voice counts here!).

3) Reassure:
I'm really fine - and I can handle this. (Said with assurance and confidence.)

4) Express gratitude and reassure again:
Thank you so much for caring about me - but I really am fine.

5) Change the subject to something of interest to the other person:
"Did you hear the news about Aunt Sally?" Or something like that. (Again tone of voice and confident presentation count!)

There's no guarantee that this 5-step approach will work the way you want it to. A lot depends on your ability to convince yourself that you really could mean it. It's nice to have people concerned about you. It's also terrible annoying when those same people invade your space with their concern.

Your air of confidence + maintaining some good boundaries can make the difference. And being a good actor, learning your part and keeping in character - can be quite effective in convincing those annoying folks to just lay off!

If you try this approach, I'd love to hear from you. Was this helpful? A total bust? Or somewhere in between? I'll respond to all comments, either on this blog or through my email: karen@karenwulfson.com.

CHANGING YOUR STORY: You can decide that it's just not worth all that anger!

2012-01-05T00:17:00.000-08:00

Last year (well... that was just a few days ago!), I had a brief chat with a rather impatient man on line in front of me at Costco. His impatience with having to wait was obvious. He paced next to his cart, sighed, and rolled his eyes at me. Since I can't resist starting a conversation at moments like this, I returned the eye-roll with a friendly (I hoped!) smile and asked if he was in a hurry. No, he actually had lots of time! He just hated standing in lines for the privilege of spending his hard-earned money!

As I watched him ramp up his frustration and anger, I wondered what his life was like. Was he often this angry? Did he have friends and family? What story was he telling himself about standing in line that merited all this angst? And what would he be like if he could only change the story he tells himself?

We all have choices as to how we interpret our world. Maybe the story you tell yourself is, "This always happens to me! I'm tired of being taken advantage of and I deserve to be angry!" And maybe you tell yourself this story about events over which you really have little control. And then, just maybe, your anger takes over and your good common sense takes a brief vacation!

But, you can change that story you tell yourself - then notice how different your world might look and feel. And, when your anger isn't in control, you might just find that relationships improve and you can enjoy that in-line conversation with a stranger so much more!

The new story: "Wow , that's annoying. But, I can't do anything about it and it's not really about me." Then - take a few deep breaths until you feel the tension fleeing, and look for a distraction (like that person behind you on the line!). Focus intently on the distraction, and you may find that your stress and frustration feel a lot less important now.

If you can do all this fairly easily, congratulations! You're probably pretty good at self-care. If you have difficulty changing the story, distracting yourself, understanding why you get so angry, you might think about sharing your concern with a trusted friend or doing a little research on anger management strategies. And if none of that is helpful, consider taking that next step and consulting with a therapist who can help you figure out the why of your struggles, as you develop the tools needed to make those important changes.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS REVISITED: Communication, Conflict, and Goals - what's the connection?

2012-01-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

A little while ago, I posted some tips on carrying out New Year's resolutions. (See post below this one.) Then I re-read what I wrote and realized that it isn't obvious how this topic fits in with my overall theme of effective communication, anger, conflict in the family and at work.

On-going challenges managing anger and resolving conflict usually don't just appear out of nowhere! The sequence frequently goes like this: Stressful situations happen. Skills to deal with that stress just haven't yet been learned and practiced. When we can no longer manage that stress, when we don't know how to let others know what's going on, when we don't know how to monitor and cope with our own feelings, frustration grows and eventually, for some people, that results in anger acted out and conflict instead of communication.

So what does that have to do with New Year's resolutions? Take a look at the resolutions you've made or have heard from others, and you'll probably figure it out. Many, if not most, resolutions are born of stress and frustration. The plan usually is to make changes in all those areas that have been most challenging for us. And, of course, those are apt to be the areas that also cause us the most stress and frustration.

New Year's Resolutions made out of desparation and frustration, if not carried out, simply become part of that circle of stress. Sort of like this: I'm stressed and disappointed that I'm not doing X. Now the new year is starting and I'm still not doing it - but now I will. I promise!! Then, predictably for many, X is still not done, and stress increases through the year - until we begin the next round of magical thinking we call New Year's resolutions.

For tips on how to approach those resolutions, so that you can feel more successful and less stressed and angry, scroll down to the post just below this one.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS DON'T REALLY WORK: Why you need more than just a promise!

2012-01-03T16:58:00.000-08:00

We tend to think there's something magical that happens when we enter a new year. "New" implies change and hope. Maybe this time I'll really, really do things differently. I'll clean off my desk, lose weight, eat better, return those phone calls, reconnect with friends, read that book, save more money, stop getting so angry, spend more time with the kids, and whatever else you can think of that needs changing!

Hope is high when we make those lists. Of course - this time - I'll take care of all these life challenges. This year, it will be different. This year I will be different.

And somewhere inside, there's that nagging voice that says, "What makes you think this year will be the magic charm?" And, if you follow your old patterns, that inner voice will be right. But it doesn't have to be the way it always has been. You can make the changes that are important to you. And the good thing is that you don't have to do this all at once.

Resolutions are really just a promise to yourself to make some changes. But for that promise to become action, a little more is needed:

Make your list. If you've already done that, find a quiet spot and take some time to look it over.

Prioritize your list. Which item would be the easiest for you to accomplish? Make that #1.

Which item is most important to you? Make that #2.

If you still have more on your list, prioritize the other resolutions in order of importance to you.

And - now you can move on to making those resolutions "more than just a promise!"

For now, focus on resolutions 1 and 2. Put aside your other resolutions in an easy-to-find location.

Number one is the easiest, so let's start there. Make a list of the tiny steps needed to accomplish this goal.

For instance, if you'd like to spend a few days with a good friend, but have been putting it off, these might be the steps you need to take: Call your friend; check your calendar for available dates; write up a very detailed to-do list; re-check daily until you've accomplished this goal. Contact your friend whenever you see a potential problem with the plan. Don't just drop the idea, if it's not working. Be sure to figure out another that would be equally wonderful!

Number two is the challenge, but once you've accomplished number one, it's very likely you'll be feeling motivated and hopeful. Taking care of the small stuff can be energizing!

Let's say you've set a goal of saving more money. In the past you've tried to put aside whatever extra cash you have, but those unplanned-for expenses keep on coming........... If you just leave it at that - trying again the same old way - this resolution is just a promise, not a plan. You need a plan. A plan that includes lots of little details (feels good to cross them off your list as you complete each one!).

Here's a sample of what that money-saving plan could look like (each is a separate item on your list):

Get out that calendar and make an appointment with yourself for a day and time you know you can be out of touch and alert for at least 2 - 3 hours.

Make a list of what you'll need for that appointment (check book, bank statements, calculator, pens, pencils, etc.). Include on that list whatever else you'll need to keep focused: water, coffee, something to eat; anything to keep you from leaving the task at hand.

Gather together in one place all the non-food prep materials, at least a day or more before your meeting (with yourself).

Since this is a stressful task, do some positive self-talk to prepare. Tell yourself that all you need to do is start. You can always make a second appoinment with yourself. Allow yourself to feel positive about each small step you make.

Let someone supportive know what you're doing. It helps to have a back-up partner you can call if you feel that you're slipping. Don't forget to report in whenever you've accomplished even a piece of your goal.

On appointment day, spend some time getting a clear picture of your challenges. Write down all you learn about your finances, current income, planned expenditures.

Since this is an article about planning and resolutions, not about finances, I won't go into more detail about that piece. But if you do need help, you might consider seeing a financial planner or getting a trusted friend/relative to plan with you. Consultation with others can make success more likely.

At the close of your appoinment (be sure you end on time!), leave with a plan for next time. And, hopefully, a plan that you can follow in order to save just a little more money than you've been saving.

Resolutions can work! Magic is possible! All you need to do is pay attention to the details and reward yourself for the little steps forward.

I wish you a happy and productive New Year, as you move toward achieving your goals for 2012!

If you'd like more information on how to make those resolutions come true, please give me a call at 310 475-1759 or contact me at karen@karenwulfson.com.

THE STORIES IN OUR HISTORY: Telling your story can mean writing about what matters and sharing with courage!

2011-06-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today turned out to be so much better than I’d expected. Tired, way too busy, and not feeling very social, I almost passed on being part of a magnificent experience! But, I’d made a commitment and couldn’t think of a good reason not to honor it. And, besides, a promise is a promise. Especially when my presence at a special event was a gift to me by its creator, the equally magnificent Terrie Silverman!

So, overcoming my reluctance to give up a few hours, I managed to get myself to the Beyond Baroque Literary Arts Center and, in the center’s small, bare-bones theater, became an enthralled witness to a “gorgeous” experience!

Participants in Terrie’s writing workshop were the stars, sharing with us their very personal and moving "Gorgeous Stories," with humor, poise, and an immense amount of courage. Check out Terrie’s website for more information.

If you’ve been reading this blog or any other of my writings, you might have noticed that I have an interest in how people communicate – and how effective communication can change relationships. The stories we tell ourselves, the words we use are so important in reducing conflict and destructive anger. Terrie’s workshop participants have certainly found a way to use words to communicate feelings, and, I’d imagine, in the process, the feelings they write about so eloquently might seem more manageable and feel just a little less overwhelming.

My thanks to all who participated for allowing me to witness your courage, talents, and good humor in the face of challenge!

WORDS REALLY DO MATTER! Which words we use, the tone of voice in which we say those words, and the body language that goes along with what we say. All of this matters – a lot!

2011-05-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

Families sometimes forget how important those words are. After all, we’re family. We know we love and care about each other. We don’t have to watch our language, be careful about how we say things – right? Well...... maybe. Sometimes.

With those close to us, it’s true that we tend to develop a kind of communication shorthand that works most of the time. And it’s natural, and usually accurate, to assume that those who are closest to us understand the meaning behind our words, tone, and attitude.

Most of us could write a pretty accurate script of the family chatter. And, families often have a shared, but hidden, understanding that everyone will go along with the “script.” And, usually, that’s exactly what happens.

Then, some change (or transition) takes place. A child goes off to school. Marriage, birth, divorce, death – something alters the make-up of the family. And maybe those old ways of communicating just don’t work anymore.

Transitions, even positive ones, have the power to turn your life upside down. All these changes require changes in you. Are you prepared to have lots of different conversations? Understand and explain those new feelings? Cope with old resentments and feelings that may arise when your world changes? Learn a new way of being with those same old people – and the new ones?

When times are ok, when stress is not as high, anger can often be masked or expressed without major family disruption. When stress is greater, when the challenges are larger and more frequent, communication in your once-loving family can often seem a lot less loving and a lot more combative!

Sometimes, it can help to just tell yourself that times are tough right now - and that you have the power to reduce the conflict - often just by stepping back and taking a deep breath! And - read through my previous blog posts for some communication tips that might be helpful to you.

COFFEE MUG THOUGHTS: JUST HOW RESPONSIBLE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

2011-04-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

My favorite coffee mug has this inscription, “if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done!” That sentence defines many parts of my life. And, usually, that’s fine with me. But, sometimes, I just don’t want to be the one who’s expected to “do it.”

Are you the one who usually solves the problem, gets the job done? Are you usually the responsible one, while others wait for you to do it? Personal experience has taught me that it doesn’t always have to be that way.

You can be competent and in charge most of the time, but you can also decide when to let others shine, when to ask for help. The next time you realize that you’re feeling stressed and angry, after agreeing to do one more thing for someone else, you might want to try something different.

You could try saying, “I know I agreed to do this, but I realize I need some help.” Then sit back quietly and see what happens.

If the response isn't what you'd wanted and needed, that's ok. Just take a deep breath, then restate your needs - clearly and without anger. My experience is that when others are in the habit of expecting that you'll "just do it," it may take some time, patience, and clear communication before you've altered those expectations.

If you can calmly stick it out until your message gets across, you may find that you've won the respect of your family, colleagues, friends - and that you are feeling less stressed and angry. If you've done your best, and people still aren't paying attention, this might be a good time to reevaluate your relationships.

CHANGING THE STORY YOU TELL YOURSELF: A different way to survive those family holiday stresses.

2010-12-13T22:39:00.000-08:00

So - you're an adult now. In your 20s, 30s, 40s or older. It doesn't matter. As soon as you get together with your family, you might end up feeling like that little kid or teen you once were. Families just tend to have that effect on most of us!

And - even if your youthful family experiences weren't that bad - maybe even pretty good, the holidays are likely to be part wonderful and part "when is it time to get out of here?"

For instance, you've worked hard to be independent. You're fairly successful at that - most of the time. Then your mother says something like, "You look a little tired. Are you taking care of yourself?"

And maybe the story you usually tell yourself is that your family always sees you as not quite competent, incapable of even figuring out how to get enough sleep. If that's your story, the warm fuzzies of the day are now gone. And you can add to that story a little bit with: "See. I was right! They think I'm not quite ok!"

Would you consider changing that story you tell yourself? Finding a different story as your gift to self for the holidays? Would you try this out, even if it sounds a little silly?

Here's a possible alternate story: "My family doesn't mean to offend me. They really don't know what I'm like when I'm not with them. They still see me as a kid and they're trying to show they still care - in the only way they know how."

It's possible neither your original story nor this latest one are accurate. Maybe there's really a third story. But, since right now, you can't really know for sure, why not tell yourself the story that feels the best? If this one doesn't seem right, create any story that takes you out of that old kid place. Prepare yourself with your new story before you see your family.

You can't control your family, but you can control your response. When you get triggered by those familiar comments, take a deep breath, repeat your new story to yourself, and decide that this time you'll act as though your new story is the true one.

One alternate response (said with a smile) might be, "Thanks for caring. I'm fine." Or, "Had to leave early today, so didn't get much sleep. How are you?" Or, whatever works for you. The goal is to avoid your usual annoyance or anger. You don't have to follow that same old script. You have the power to do at least one thing differently and see if even a small change can happen.

If you'd like some personalized help with your story, give me a call at 310 475-1759. Consultation is available by telephone or in person.

Please visit my website to learn a little more about who I am and how I work.

HOLIDAY CHALLENGES: Do we really "have to?"

2010-11-28T23:02:00.000-08:00

Overheard at the mall: "She's just gonna do it again! It always happens, so why should I go?" And, the reply: "Because you just have to!" (A conversation between two 30-something women that seemed to be about attending a family event.)

Well...... adults rarely "just have to!" More often, the story we tell ourselves is that we only have one choice, one path to take. And, we stay on that path, because other options seem way too risky, too challenging, too uncomfortable. And, we stay there because it's human nature to take what seems to be the path of least resistance.

What I know from experience: doing something different, no matter how small, is empowering. Making decisions consciously feels so much better. And, just "doing" because that's the way it's always been - that can feel pretty awful.

Have you ever had the experience of "just saying no?" Deciding that you really don't have to do what you've always done? Following the path that's most nourishing - and least destructive (for you and others)?

Or, have you ever made a conscious choice to join your family, even when you'd really rather not? But, you've also made the choice that, this year, you'll start out with a different attitude and new responses to the same old provocations?

Now is a good time to plan ahead for the holidays. Now is just the right time to prepare for that new path that can make those family visits less challenging and less stressful. And now is a great time to start rehearsing that new story you can tell yourself.

In a few days, I'll be posting some examples of how to create and use those new stories. I'd also be interested in hearing from you about how you've survived those family visits by doing something different, telling yourself a different story, taking a different approach.

Would you like to share your experience, ask a question or request an appointment for a free phone consultation? I invite you to comment here, give me a call at 310 475-1759 or email me now, and I promise to respond within 24 hours.

THANKSGIVING THOUGHTS: Change your story - just for one day!

2010-11-24T23:55:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I've noticed that, as this holiday approaches, people seem to fall into one of three groups. Which group speaks to you?

Most obvious to most of us are those who eagerly look forward to getting together with family and friends. These are the folks who are so excited about that yearly tradition of feast, familiar people and rituals of the day. Just listen to media commentators in the week leading up to that festive day. The excitement is contagious, and one could almost imagine that everyone feels that same eager anticipation!

Then there are those who mostly enjoy, and sometimes tolerate, the holiday. It's fun to get together with others, but there's also some stress involved. Maybe family is distant or relationships aren't so hot these days. Or, perhaps the approach of each Thanksgiving celebration also brings with it some anxiety. Where will I go? Who should I invite? Is there too much meaning attached to this day for my comfort?

And, sadly, there are some people who dread this day and the feelings it brings up. Holidays have that effect on more people than you might think. Just the idea of going home again, having to cope with that same old conflict or distance can be a reminder of feelings perhaps best forgotten.

But, these groups may be more alike than you'd think. Sometimes, all it takes to change groups is to change the story you tell yourself. Instead of reminding yourself of the old hurts and pains, you may want to come up with a way to stop yourself as you enter that self-critical space. Then, substitute a different story. List (on paper or mentally) all the positive things that, just for today, you can give thanks for. Repeat as needed when that other story intrudes.

And, just for today, resolve to smile as much as you can, even if you don't really mean it! Research has shown that moods can be elevated, just by the act of turning up the corners of your mouth! Try it and see if it works for you. You have nothing to lose and lots to win, if you can help yourself to feel even a little bit better.

Changing your story and smiling.......... just try it out! You might just find your mood lifted and your anger, anxiety or stress lowered enough so that you can enjoy that Thanksgiving meal.

If you have difficulty with self-help strategies, you might want to reach out for some help - before the next holiday challenge arrives. I offer a free phone consultation and would be happy to chat with you about how I can help you. Give me a call at 310 475-1759 or email me at karen@karenwulfson.com.

I wish you a happy Thanksgiving - or at least one that's better than you thought it would be! I invite your comments and feedback on this or other topics in this blog.

FOR MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION...LISTEN MORE THAN YOU TALK! YOUR TURN WILL COME: Many arguments happen when two people talk and neither really hears the other.

2010-11-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

Have you ever listened to two or more people doing what I call "parallel arguing?" Each person is so invested in making that all-important point, that no one hears anyone else!

I've been spending way too much time lately listening to some political talk shows. Doesn't matter which party, what ideology is being promoted, the result, for me, is often the same. The host or guest has a point to make. And - they often push ahead with a strongly declared "fact" or point of view, rarely pausing long enough for anyone else to express an opinion.

While it may be entertaining to listen to those on-air "debates," that same style is unlikely to work out well for you in personal or professional interactions.

It's not quite so amusing, engaging or satisfying, if your conversational energy is focused only on pushing your own point of view. When we don't take the time to fully understand and calmly respond to those who doesn't agree with us, it's easy to end up with hurt feelings and anger.

If this sounds like a familiar pattern to you, you might want to try a little experiment. The next time you find yourself tensing up for that next passionate argument, stop! Take one long deep breath. And - ask a question. That's all, just one question. And see what happens next.

Of course that question should be stated calmly and reflect curiosity about the other person's point of view. If need be, assure your conversational partner that you really do want to hear his/her viewpoint. Then, prove it by listening well and reflecting back what you've heard.

Remember, this is only an experiment. An opportunity for you to try out a different way of having a conversation. A chance for you to observe whether or not a slight change in your style will make a difference. And, most important, you now have slowed down the conflict and given yourself the time to decide how you want to handle the rest of the conversation.

Sometimes all it takes is a few tweaks in your conversational style. And sometimes, all you may need is to remind yourself that you can learn and use specific strategies that will help you communicate without conflict and anger getting in the way.

I invite you to visit my website for more information or contact me now, to arrange a free phone consultation or to schedule a counseling or consultation appointment.

FAMILY COMMUNICATION CHALLENGES: Visiting with your family? Try a different approach!

2010-08-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've been reflecting on family connections - mine and others. Some families really seem to get along well, have a collective sense of humor and mutual understanding, resolve differences eventually, and stay connected across miles and generations. Those are the fortunate folks that others tend to envy.

Those "successful" families aren't without their problems. But, somehow, they have the tools which, used carefully, with love, and mutual respect, make it mostly work out in the end. Not perfect, but also not destructive and hurtful to family members.

I've also been thinking about the families who struggle. The families who live with silence, anger, blame, and pain - or maybe just indifference. The families whose members don't view home as a place to relax, feel safe, be understood in a way that doesn't happen elsewhere. The adults, all grown up now, who dread holiday reunion times, since the old unhappy scripts seem to revive with each visit.

I've watched families split, cousins who were childhood pals lose track of each other, adult children become isolated from the larger family unit, close connections lost, and adult regrets for situations that arose from childhood challenges that were not of their making.

I'm convinced that what's missing in those struggling families is the ability to communicate effectively, so that needs are met without aggression and anger. Communication isn't just the ability to talk about feelings, to make good speeches! Effective communication can be non-verbal, must include the ability to listen without an agenda.

I'm equally convinced that change is possible. And it only takes one motivated and determined family member to start that change going. Anger doesn't have to rule family interactions, but family members do have to be willing to hear unhappiness and pain differently and to respond with care and respect.

If you've been hoping things will change, and if you're tired of the same old distance and conflicts, you could decide to be that one family member who makes a difference. But, it's tough - and lonely - to try to make that change on your own.

I'd suggest inviting a trusted family member to support you in your new plan. If that doesn't work, you might want to do a little reading, research strategies on line or consult with a family counselor who can help you figure out how to make those family occasions a little less painful.

WHICH PATH WILL YOU TAKE? You can avoid falling into the same old habits - with some motivation and practice.

2010-07-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

Change is supposed to happen quickly, right? Especially if we really, really want that change to happen!

Well - maybe "quickly" does get us to those new habits - sometimes. However, more often, no matter how much we plan, think, promise - change takes a little more time than we might like.
Habits are hard to break. When certain behaviors, thoughts, reactions have been around for a long time, they sort of get "hard-wired" into us. We instinctively do what we're used to doing - until we hard-wire that new behavior.

In my experience, most behavioral changes need these essential ingredients, if they are to become new habits that stick around:

Recognition that the old habits that aren't working for you
Strong motivation to change
Personal responsibility (not placing blame on someone else)
Repetition of the new behavior (practice)
Perseverance (you don't give up, even if you miss sometimes)
Reward (new habits bring positive results that you can see)

If you haven't seen this poem before (and even if you have!), I think it's worth a look: "There's a Hole in My Sidewalk."

What are the holes in your sidewalk? What's keeping you on that same path, when you might feel so much better going a different way?

FAMILY COMMUNICATION CHALLENGES AND TIPS: Visiting with your family? Avoid the wars by doing something different!

2010-07-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

Family commuication challenges interest me. It doesn't matter how old you are, how much you've grown, how successful you've become - going "home" again can make you feel like that kid you once were!

My article on that topic has been linked to some professional Facebook pages and seems to have generated some interested, so I thought I'd also post it here.

Please take look at "Communication Tips for Adult Families." I'd love to receive your feedback and hear about your own family experiences.

I welcome your questions and comments and will respond shortly to all posts on this blog and to your emails or phone calls (310 475-1759).

LEARNING FROM YOU: HOW DO YOU MANAGE THOSE ANGRY MOMENTS?

2010-07-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it’s not about you.... or about me..... Sometimes, that person who ignored us, was rude to us, was dismissive, may just be acting from a place neither you nor I can see at that moment. And, sometimes, it just isn’t worth it to download our anger onto that individual!

Not a new thought. Not my original concept. Just something we might all want to keep in mind when we're tempted to let the offender know just how angry we really, really are!

My first instinct is to tell a personal story of when I remembered to think before reacting - and how well that turned out! And, of course, I'd like to share with you some handy dandy tips - tools you can use the next time you feel that rising anger about to take over.

However, I often wonder how useful these posts are, if you struggle with the twin challenges of managing your anger as well as your communication style. It occurs to me that those magical (to me!) tips I offer may not work for you. Or that you might read and actually plan on using some of these strategies, but it's just not that simple.

So - the personal experience and more tips are on hold for now. But, I would like to acknowledge that I know how tough it is to change long-standing patterns. It's especially difficult when you learned as a child that there's really lots to be angry about!

That doesn't mean change isn't possible. But, it does mean that sometimes it takes a while to figure out why you really get so angry and to learn the strategies that will help you communicate more effectively so that you can feel understood and valued.

I'd like to hear from you about what's worked and what hasn't, as you struggle to communicate effectively and to manage that intrusive anger.

I invite you to post on this blog or email me to let me know about your experiences. I promise to respond within a week to all posts and emails. And - your contributions will help to guide me as to what to include in future posts.

YOU CAN CHANGE THAT ANGER HABIT!

2010-07-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

It was supposed to be just an ordinary conversation. All you really wanted was to get your point across – quietly and without conflict. But, suddenly, there you are again – in the middle of an argument you’d planned to avoid. And, once again, someone is angry at you – because you just got angry at them! Sound familiar? Is this you or someone you know?

Most likely, what happened is that you acted out of some old habit you may not have even realized was hanging around ready to upset that conversation. And even if you did know what might happen, you might also not know how to stop or prevent that familiar reaction.

You might even be absolutely sure that if the other person had just done or said the right thing, there would have been no argument. After all, don’t you have a right to fell angry?

Of course you have a right to feel – and express – your anger. But, that habit of instant, habitual reaction, triggered by some as-yet un-named feeling within you, has again worked against your best interests. That habit of response is so much a part of you, that your brain, your mouth, your body all go into action with no obvious instruction from you. And, you end up stressed, angry, unhappy – with your needs still not met.

But – the good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. Habits can be changed. New habits can be learned – with lots of motivation, some effort, and possibly a little extra support. Think of the habits you already have and how hard it was to learn some of them. However, eventually, you did learn lots of important habits that work well for you.

Infants starting to walk are learning a complex set of habits. They don’t just automatically move from crawling to speed-walking! And as they learn, they fall down a lot, cry often, figure out how to get help, and eventually start walking somewhat unsteadily. But, as they keep practicing, they get better at it until walking becomes automatic.

With this in mind, it might help to remember that it’s possible to learn complicated new habits. You can achieve your goal, even if you fall down, cry, wobble, miss sometimes, and get discouraged.

You might decide you can change your unwelcome habits all by yourself. And, maybe you can. Or, you might decide that you’re going to reach out to get the help you need, so that you can better understand what goes wrong for you, despite your best intentions.

There are lots of self-help materials around, if you choose the “on your own” route. But whether you decide to see a counselor, talk with friends or just cope by yourself, your quest will be the same - to find a new way to have those conversations, so that you no longer feel out of control, angry, and stressed.

To make lasting changes, it will help if you can recognize the triggers for your anger and understand why you get so angry, so that you can eventually learn how to regulate those strong feelings and reactions. You will also want to learn new words, new ways of communicating at work, with friends, and with family. Those are the important relationships that you probably don't want to lose to that old habit of anger!

Whenever you’re having difficulty learning a new habit, you might want to think of those toddlers learning to walk. If they can do it, so can you!

I invite your comments and questions, as well as your emails or phone calls (310 475-1759) if you have concerns or questions about anything I've written.

HABITS I’VE DISCOVERED I REALLY DON’T NEED! AND – THOSE I WISH I HAD! How new habits can work to reduce your stress and anger.

2010-07-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

HABIT: an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/habit)

When I started this blog, my plan was to write at least two posts each week! Well – a quick glance at my posts will quickly show that I’m not even close to achieving that habit. I’m definitely a work in progress when it comes to establishing certain new habits.

My life is ruled by my habits! So is yours – and the lives of everyone else you know! Just imagine a life without any habits. All those things we now do automatically would take so much longer if we had to pause to think about and recall each step. Simple acts like tooth-brushing, dressing, pouring coffee, even walking would all require extra planning and lots more thinking – if we even remembered to do them!
Luckily, you and I have most likely, over time, successfully collected enough habits to allow us to get the routine tasks of life out of the way pretty easily and usually without much thought. And - most of us have become quite skilled at acquiring those habits we enjoy. Anticipated pleasure is often enough of a trigger to remind us to repeat pleasurable activity. So – we eat that muffin mid-morning without much thought, we take that afternoon nap, and we sit next to a friendly co-worker at lunch – all without doing much planning or decision-making. And the more we repeat these activities, the more habitual they become.

If given the choice, some habits we’d choose to keep, some we’d prefer to just trash, and others we’d very much like to figure out how to get. Let's take a look here at how you can acquire a new habit, in order to reduce your stress. But, be patient! It seems likely that it can take anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 months of repetition before we no longer need to think much about a new behavior.

Since I really like to write, doing so for this blog shouldn’t be so tough – right? Wrong! It’s not the writing that’s the challenge, it’s finding that space of time when I can concentrate on actually getting it done. So, if I were advising myself, here’s what I’d suggest:

1) Identify a very specific behavior you’d like to make into a habit. (For me – posting to this blog at least once a week.)

2) Break up that behavior into smaller parts. (I’d like my writing to include a commentary and at least 5 tips, but I’ll settle for a brief paragraph and know that the next post can contain the tips.)

3) Don’t give up, if you are like everyone else and forget to use that new behavior! (Tempting for all of us to just decide that this isn’t really working, motivation isn’t there, and wait until the mood strikes again!)

4) Practice the behavior even if you really aren’t in the mood. (If I write one sentence, that’s more than writing nothing.)

5) Remind yourself that you don’t need to be perfect. (Blogs can be corrected later, if I hate what I’ve written or have made an error.)

6) Figure out how to trigger the new habit. Most effective is attaching it to a habit you already have. (I check email as soon as I sit down at the computer, so I could also write a bit of my next post when I do my first – or last – email check of the day.)

Do you recognize, in yourself or others, that cycle of stress? Too much on your shoulders, ineffective communication about that stress, and anger when you feel that people just don’t understand. And the angrier you behave with those folks who matter the most, the less likely you are to be heard or to get help. If only you could identify the new habits that would help reduce the stress and, in turn, lessen your anger!

So – how does this connect to communication and anger concerns? From my personal experience and from all my clients have taught me, it’s clear to me that there is a very direct connection. The more you have on your to-do list that doesn’t get done, the more you are likely to feel stressed. As that stress builds, if you have difficulty communicating your concerns to your friends, family, work colleagues, you may also find yourself feeling – and acting - angrier than you'd like.

More about stress, anger, effective communication, and changing habits in future posts. I invite your comments, questions, and feedback. Post your comments below, email me or give me a call at 310 475-1759, if you’d like more information about my counseling or consultation services.

TIPS FOR HANDLING THOSE MOMENTS WHEN PASSION IS ABOUT TO OVERCOME REASON – AND YOUR WORDS ARE ABOUT TO CHANGE EVERYTHING!

2010-05-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

If only those folks who are so irritating knew how you really feel! How angry, frustrated, upset you get when they just haven’t gotten the point! If only they knew and would change their attitudes so that you could get your needs met and so that they could help you stay away from saying those words that start the steam rising……… Wouldn’t it be wonderful if no one in your world did and said those things that make you feel as though you’ll burst if you don’t let them know just how annoyed or angry you really are?

But then….. real life intrudes!
You get triggered and the important people in your life are now angry right along with you. So – you may get what you want, but at what cost? In your wake is a trail of unhappy, angry, fearful, annoyed, people who feel the need to walk on eggshells around you. They may even love and like you – most of the time. But they all know that they also need to be careful. When you use the words that bite, they’d probably rather be anywhere else than with you. Is that how you want the world to see you?

Want to try out a different way of handling things before your words take over? I know that when you’re in the habit of doing it one way, it’s hard to make the changes you really want (more about habits in my next post). But, you’re reading this, so I’m going to assume you are motivated to handle your life challenges a little differently.

Below is one approach to word-management that might produce the results you want without the conflict you’d probably prefer to avoid. Try using this strategy for just two days. Then stop to evaluate. If you’ve gotten some positive responses, keep tweaking your technique and practicing it until it feels right. If not, then you might need a different approach or you might need a little extra help figuring out why you’re having so much trouble with those words! I've deliberately picked an example that is just about everyday business - not your family or friends. It's easier to practice when you have no emotional connection.

Before you enter a potentially conflicted situation, stop! Remind yourself that this time you will say what you need to say - without that steam that burns everyone.

Listen well, without responding, until you’ve heard what the other person has to say. When you do respond, remember to keep your body language and voice tone as neutral as possible. Non-verbal angry displays are just as powerful as words!

Make a statement about how you understand the situation. To the computer repair person: “You told me I'd be able to pick up my computer today. But what I’m hearing is that you’re short-handed and it’s not yet fixed. Did I get that right?" (Let’s assume the answer is “yes.”)

Relate the impact on you (with steady voice). “Joe, I counted on you to have that computer ready. I need it for an important meeting this afternoon. Not having it may cost me an important contract."

Express your understanding (empathy) “I know it’s tough when you’re understaffed. I’m sure I’m not the only upset customer you’ve seen today.” (You are likely to get a positive response to your concern.)

Tell him what you want him to do: “I really appreciate how you’ve helped me in the past, and I need the same from you now. I need that computer by 4:00 today. If you can’t do that, I need your help to figure out what other options I have. Perhaps you could give me a loaner and transfer my data onto that, but however you do it, I want you to honor your original commitment to me.”

What will happen if you don't get what you want? You have choices, depending on the situation. No matter how incompetent someone else is, no matter how rudely he behaves, your own angry response is unlikely to be a motivator for change. You could move on up - speak with a manager, owner. You might chose to write a letter detailing your poor treatment and ask for compensation. And, you could decide to give your business to someone else! (Some things you just can't change!)

This approach has a good chance of working - maybe 70% - 80% of the time. If it doesn't, you have the satisfaction of having kept your cool. This could be the time you didn't explode! This could be the time the other person is left admiring your calmness and wishing he could do the same.

Does this sound too simplistic? Sure it is! But you do need to start somewhere, so trying out a few tips to see if they work for you can't hurt and just might help. I've tried to provide, throughout this blog, some strategies for managing anger, coping with difficult situations, using your words a little more effectively. If just one works well for you, congratulations! After all - that one small change could just possible start the ball rolling, as you search for the help you need.

ANGRY? MAYBE YOUR PASSION TRIUMPHS OVER YOUR REASON: ANGER MANAGEMENT CHALLENGES IN ORDINARY COMMUNICATION (Part 2)

2010-05-08T01:05:00.000-07:00

Ordinary communication – with the shoe repair person, the waiter, the salesperson at the mall – this should be simple. Shouldn’t it? But, have you ever done a little eavesdropping on some of those conversations that pass through your routine daily life? Ever notice the way some conflicts start?

Lately, I’ve been paying lots of attention to the chatter that goes on around me. I’ve watched as simple conversations escalate into white hot anger. And, I’ve also watched the skills of those people who are able to defuse the conflict and get their needs met without the words and body language of anger.

So – how does passion come into this? Passion, in this context, I’ve defined as an intense, singular focus on a particular point of interest or need. The man who has carved out exactly two hours in the day to get a minor repair done on his car – his passion is invested in getting the task done and moving on to the next one. But what is he to do when the mechanic is slow, when the part he needs isn’t in stock, when an additional fix is needed that will take more time?

One choice might be to let his passion get the best of him, demand (with all the related and angry body language) that the job be done now! This might even work. But, most likely, everyone leaves feeling angry and stressed.

Perhaps the better choice might be to take a breath or two and decide that there could just be some other ways to get the message across! That's where reason comes in. Reason is the ability to do effective self-talk. The ability to step back and give yourself the message to stay cool. And the ability to yield to the common sense message you surely would be telling yourself if you weren't feeling quite so angry and impatient!

See my next post for some tips on how you might be able to get your point across without that rise in blood pressure and without leaving that trail of steam behind you!

As always, I invite you to visit my website for more information: http://www.karenwulfson.com.

GOOD INTENTIONS GONE BAD: OBSERVATIONS ON HOW AND WHY FRIENDLY COMMUNICATION TURNS INTO HURT AND ANGER….. AND….. WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

2010-03-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

Recent experiences have left me pondering on just how easily good intentions can end up with one or more people feeling hurt, angry, and surprised that others didn’t “get” them. In the process of observing myself and others as we all just try to be understood, I’ve gathered some random thoughts on the stuff that goes wrong when communication isn’t clear..... and, what you can do about it.

1) A friend or colleague just isn’t getting that point you’re trying so hard to make. You’ve explained in several different ways, and you still feel misunderstood.

It’s easy to get stuck in that “why can’t you just understand me?” mode. But, if all involved in a conversation are stuck in that same unhappy place, the result is likely to be anger, not effective communication.

What you can do about it: Some self-talk might help. Remind yourself that taking the time to hear others’ thoughts could be useful. The harder we insist that people understand us, the less likely it is that they’ll actually want to know what we think. Allowing and soliciting feedback (by being curious, asking questions), rather than pushing your own agenda, is more likely to get you support and buy-in from those whose support you need. Or, at the very least, you might get some small acknowledgement that you do have a point of view. One of the hardest things for many of us to do is to put ourselves aside long enough to actually hear what others have to say about our brilliant ideas!

2) When a group comes together to organize a project, it’s rare when everyone agrees.

That’s normal and ok. However, when some group members don’t express concerns or disagreements as they occur, others assume that all are on the same page. Conflict and anger are often the result of muddy, indirect communication along the path.

What you can do about it: When possible, suggest to the group that a protocol for considering concerns be developed. Take personal responsibility for making sure your own ideas and concerns get a hearing. Avoid surprises about your beliefs by distributing them in writing, when possible.

3) You’re on the job or participating on some collaborative project and one participant dominates the agenda, making collaborative progress difficult or impossible.

Worthwhile projects can be stopped in their tracks by just one person – at least in the short term. For a long-term or permanent stop to happen, it takes group collusion to prevent progress. That collusion happens when all members agree (sometimes silently) to appease and not concretely challenge that one disrupter.

What you can do about it: Use clear, short firm statements that reflect your wish to not have the process hi-jacked. For instance, faced with the declaration (made in a tone that suggests disagreement is futile) that, “we always do it this way and I don’t want to change it now,” you could respond with a three part statement that includes: acknowledgement of that point of view, your alternative viewpoint, and a request to stay on track/involve others in the group in making a clear decision. All said, of course, with an even, non-challenging tone of voice.

I’m always interested in hearing about others’ experiences. How have you handled similar challenges?

If you've tried lots of self-help, but the strategies you're using aren't working for you, this might be the right time for you to reach out for a little more help. I offer a free phone consultation and would also be happy to hear your comments and concerns about anything I've said in any of my posts or on my website: http://www.karenwulfson.com/.

ANGRY? MAYBE YOUR PASSION TRIUMPHS OVER YOUR REASON: ANGER MANAGEMENT CHALLENGES IN ORDINARY COMMUNICATION (Part 1)

2010-02-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

Starting and maintaining a blog, I’ve been discovering, is somewhat like beginning a new friendship. It won’t last, won’t thrive, if you don’t continue to nurture and grow it.

Just like with many new friendships, one of the challenges of keeping a blog going is that lots of attention is needed to keep it from fading away into nothingness. It’s not the writing itself that presents that unexpected challenge. That’s the easiest part, at least for me. But, since I really enjoy writing, I hadn’t anticipated how difficult this nurturing would turn out to be.

I’ve been amazed by how many situations pop up as potential blog material, as I just go about my day to day life. But – which ones should I chose? How do I sort out the many pieces of potential topics? What do I do with all the suggestions I get? How do I decide which of all these “gems” are most important (at least to me!)? And that’s where I start floundering. After all, this should be easy, people should be “getting” my point of view when they make suggestions, and, of course, there’s that blog, my new “friend” that keeps reminding me to pay attention! And, that’s when I start to get pretty irritable! And, that irritability has a tendency to manifest itself as anger in some communications.

Writing about what I do has become a passion for me. So, why don’t I just make it happen? Considering my own struggle has helped me to identify one major cause of others’ difficulty with anger management in ordinary situations.

When we’re feeling passionate about our ideas, our way of doing something, it’s easy to think that everyone else will understand and agree with us. Feelings get hurt when others just don’t seem to get it! Lately, I’ve been noticing that this combination of strong feelings, passion for a particular point of view, and the intense need to just be understood are the seeds of many intense arguments and feelings that overcome one’s common sense and learned skills.

When I mention that I counsel people who need some help with effective communication and anger management, I frequently hear about friends or relatives who really “should” make an appointment with me! We all know (or are!) those folks whose passions are so intense that they have difficulty recognizing others’ opinions and whose ideas are not open to discussion. These are usually the people who we’d rather not disagree with, because they get way too angry and defensive. For these people, it often seems that anger rules most communication.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ve probably noticed that I’m very interested in how we talk to each other, how we use language, and how anger can often interfere with effective communication. I firmly believe that most people don’t start out a conversation intending to turn it into an angry debate. And, I’m equally sure that most people would prefer to manage their anger and passions so that they can communicate more effectively.

However, usually reasonable people may act unreasonable when passion triumphs over common sense. When the stakes are high, when stress is more intense, it can be so much more difficult to maintain control over feelings that constantly threaten to burst out.

So, what can we do to more effectively manage all that passion? While there are usually no easy fixes, no magic wands, there are some things you can learn and do.

1) The first thing you should know is that angry responses that you might feel you can’t control may often be habits you just don’t know how to break. But, behavior can be changed with some knowledge and effort.

2) It might help for you to find out why your anger is so easily triggered. Life may have recently thrown you some curves, and your stress is high and more difficult to manage right now. Or, you learned long ago, as a child, that anger eventually works for you – even if you don’t like your behavior now that you are an adult. Another possibility is that you may carry so much old pain and anger that you have difficulty separating out and managing your feelings about even the small things that go wrong in your life today. Keeping a “feelings journal” can help you figure out what triggers your anger and how you learned to react the way you do.

3) While there are many effective strategies that can help you to manage your anger, techniques alone may not always give you the long term help you need. If the stresses that are triggering your current anger seem to be temporary, just understanding what’s happening and trying out some anger management techniques may be of great help to you. However, if your struggles are based on an accumulation of events in your history, things that happened to you as a child, other traumatic events in your life, those strategies may not be enough. If that’s the case with you, You might want to consider getting some counseling to help you sort out those unmanageable feelings.

4) In my previous posts, I offer tips for managing anger, for communicating more effectively. I encourage you to take a look some of those tips and see if any of them work for you.

While I have lots of potential blog topics for future use, I’d be very interested in your feedback. What are the issues you struggle with? How do you manage your own or others’ anger? Is there a particular issue you’d like me to comment on?

In my next post, I'll be commenting on and giving some specific tips for managing anger in ordinary, everyday communication.

I invite you to visit my website for more information: http://www.karenwulfson.com.

Adult Children of Angry Families: Can We Really All Get Along?

2010-01-09T18:25:00.000-08:00

Does this sound familiar? It’s time again for one of those obligatory family get-togethers. An important birthday, a special event, a major holiday – whatever the reason, you’re faced with one more day of the same old conflict, those familiar arguments, that temporary age regression that leaves you feeling like a kid again.

But, this time, you’ve decided things will be different!
You definitely won’t get drawn into the debates that leave you exhausted. You know you can keep yourself from responding with anger to the same old stuff that’s always tossed your way! And, most important, you are determined to have a good time (well... as good as you can make it!).

Those are the good intentions, the plans you make before you are actually faced, once again, with the reality of that family of yours whose members still aren’t polite enough to make the changes that would help your peace plan work!

So – what next? What can you do to prepare for the next family event so that things really do end up more peaceful – at least for you?

If you grew up in an angry family, conflict may have become a familiar companion in your adult life. You may not be spending all your time angry. You may even have figured out how to never show your anger. Or, your relationships may look like that angry family of your childhood. Whether your anger is silent or expressed, whether you routinely communicate with anger or you shrink from disagreement, the lessons you learned as a child about how to deal with conflict may still be guiding your adult life. And - you may end up feeling a little out of control of your strong feelings.

However, things really can be better. If you’ve decided that you still want contact with most or all of your family members, then you might as well figure out how to make that contact more pleasant. And, if all that planning to make it better hasn’t worked so far, it may be because you could use a little help.

First, you might want to ask at least one trusted relative or friend to help you brainstorm some strategies. Using a support community really can help. In addition, there are lots of self-help books out there on how to get along with difficult people. They offer some excellent advice.

Second, think about the guest list at that next family gathering. Is there at least one person whose support you can enlist, in advance, to help you avoid being caught up in problematic situations?

And, third, can you identify at least one behavior or reaction that you can plan, before the event, to do differently this time? You don’t need to change everything, just one piece of your participation.

If these strategies aren’t working as well as you’d hoped, you might consider the possibility that friends and family may not be able to offer the help you really need.

Growing up with anger can have a lasting impact on your adult relationships and can influence how you manage your own strong feelings. But, the good news is that help and change are possible! Counseling can help you understand why life is sometimes so challenging for you – and how you can more effectively make the changes you hope for.

If you’d like more information, see my article, Going Home Again: Family Communication Tips for Adults, visit my website, send me an email or give me a call at 310 475-1759.

Few Communications Require Immediate Responses: The NBA Approach to Avoiding the Wars.

2010-01-08T02:09:00.000-08:00

You may have experienced more than once that “I shoulda said...” moment, after being hit with an unexpected comment from a friend or colleague. And – I suspect that, like me, you’ve also occasionally found yourself thinking about how you could have avoided the conflict and anger that arose from the exchange that followed.

Over the years, I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way!) that not every comment, question, request, criticism requires an immediate response. In my previous post, I suggested that it could be helpful to delay your response, if you don’t know what to say (Tip #1).

But – doesn’t politeness dictate that we need to reply quickly to avoid conversational awkwardness? And, don’t we need to defend ourselves when we feel offended by someone? Well...... maybe.

Politeness and self-defense don’t need to be tossed out in order to avoid starting the next world war. You may not even need to have the little battle that could lead to that war. Sometimes all you might need is another strategy for getting across the message that you are unhappy about what someone has just said.

One technique that often helps is to plan in advance to use this three-step NBA approach when stuck in a difficult conversation (remember to keep the anger out of your voice):

1) Notice the physical tightening that signals your stress (you may need to practice this awareness);

2) Breathe deeply for a count of 3;

2) Ask a short question: “Could you give me more information about that?” or “Could you give me a minute to think about that?”

Here’s a brief example: Your boss stops by your desk as you are engrossed in doing an assigned task. You may expect that he’s going to compliment you for your hard work. Instead, he says something like, “I thought you’d be finished with that already. And, you’ll need to do that piece over again.” Recognize that familiar internal cringe? Your impulse might be to point out your hard work, let him know you did it exactly as previously instructed. Since you’re now stressed, your voice will show it and you may end up sounding argumentative. Your boss responds in kind, and the problems start.

Or you could: 1) Notice your own familiar stress signs; 2) Breathe for a count of 3 (time to regain control); 3) Ask, “Would you give me more details about what you need from me on this?” (Or substitute your own magic words like those offered in the previous post.)

What you’ve accomplished: You look and sound professional. You avoid a no-win angry debate with your boss. Your task is clarified (maybe you misunderstood?). Your boss never gets to know what you really think of him/her (rarely a good revelation on the job!). You can go home a little less stressed.

What your boss might end up learning: If you consistently meet tactlessness or criticism with quiet professionalism, your boss might just learn to modify his/her approach in reaction to your style. Even if that doesn't happen, you have the satisfaction of not rising to the bait!

Have you discovered other strategies that work for you? How do you handle those disturbing or challenging comments that catch you by surprise? I invite you to share your own techniques for managing potentially angry conversations.

And - check out my website for more information about me and my counseling practice.

Use Your Words Well - Good Advice to Children (and Adults)

2010-01-01T01:44:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, while out walking with a friend and her four year old daughter, we stopped at the park for a few minutes of play time. Another child around the same age came up to us, pushed my friend’s child and tried to grab the toy she was holding, saying loudly, “Mine!” My friend had been working hard to teach her bright and headstrong child to interact appropriately with others. She bent down and whispered to her child that great parenting advice, “Use your words.” My little companion immediately stood up straight, hands on hips, and clearly said, “Leave me alone. That’s not nice!” The boy quickly pulled back, became quiet, and backed slowly away.

I’ve thought about this incident often over the years.
I wonder what became of that little boy who didn’t know how to use his words to get this little girl to play with him. My hope for him is that someone eventually taught him how to make friends, how to communicate more effectively, so that he doesn’t still need to grab others’ toys in order for him to have fun. I do know that my sometimes temperamental, strong-willed young friend has become a bright, self-confident young woman who uses her words quite effectively.

This incident came to mind again recently as a result of my active involvement in several organizations. I’ve watched potentially great ideas fall by the wayside and have seen some bright, talented people whose contributions are brushed aside – all because they just didn’t use those words effectively.

Of course, this is an immense simplification of a rather complicated issue. There are many reasons people have difficulty communicating effectively. Some people just haven’t learned some important social skills or may not know how to read essential social cues. And others find that deeply felt emotions seem to rule - even when they really know what they could be doing to be more effective. Look for more information about communication roadblocks in future posts.

MY TOP FIVE TIPS FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION THAT YOU CAN USE RIGHT NOW:

1) Take a few minutes to think before responding. Few communication opportunities or disagreements require immediate responses.

2) Listen more than you talk. Many arguments happen when two people talk and neither really hears the other.

3) Ask clarifying questions before you respond. Repeat back what you think the speaker wants you to know, and check to see that you’ve got it right. This gives you a chance to think, while the other person feels you really do want to understand.

4) Acknowledge the other person’s position (even if you disagree). This results in calmer discussion.

5) Offer to collaborate on a solution to diffuse conflict.

If it's a little hard for you to keep a calm voice in the face of a challenging conversation, it might help to take a brief break (bathroom, telephone, etc.) to do some deep breathing and get a little more grounded.

Remember that not all conflicts are solved easily. But, you have the power to keep those small disagreements or conversational challenges from growing into huge battles.

And - here are some "magic" words to use that can get your conversations back on track (but avoid that angry tone of voice, if you want these words to be heard!):

1) I don't quite understand what you mean by that. Could you go over that again?

2) Seems as though you believe ............ Did I get that right?

3) What an interesting idea! How would you make that happen? (You don't need to think it's great - just ask!)

4) I'm really uncomfortable with what you just said. When I heard ......... I felt .............

5) We seem to disagree on this. Is there any part of this subject we can both agree on?

6) I guess we both feel strongly about this. Thanks for letting me know how you feel, even if we can't agree.

What's worked for you? Have you developed any sure-fire strategies for managing those difficult conversations, so that anger doesn't rule? Are you facing some challenges at work or at home that you'd like to post here? I'll do my best to respond to your questions and comments as soon as possible.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Please check out my website: http://www.karenwulfson.com/ for more information.